Good heavens it has been too long since I last wrote!!!
I feel like life always seems to be going at least 20 miles over the speed limit. Maybe I am just slow or trying to enjoy as much as I can, but I constantly feel “behind”. I am learning (key word) to not let this bother me or as Ruth so affectionately says, “father me”. I want to let things go and “live in the moment” but I also need to pay bills, change diapers, wash clothes, make dinner, shop for food for said dinner, clean the house, be a few steps ahead for my 3 almost 4 year old, and constantly nurse (and i mean all the FREAKIN’ time) my 5 month old. I don’t know how to do it all. I am the first to admit I can’t do it all, BUT I am also too much of an Aquarius to not try to do it all. So yes, there is a battle here in my world. Ahhhh…. I digress.
The truth is I have really nothing profound or exciting to write, just the day in and day out shhhtuff. So here it is:
Ruth had her first dance class this weekend. I don’t know who was more excited, her to get all dressed up and go be the ballerina that she dreams of being or me because I actually did what I said I was going to do. I have been telling her we would go for months. I didn’t purposefully make this a long, extended process I just honestly kept forgetting. Anyhoo, she was stoked and I love to see my little girl excited to learn, be free and her amazing, wonderful self. So, we (Josh, Dillon, Ruth and myself) all get there to the dance class not really knowing what to expect. All the parents drop off their kids and then leave. I usually am good about going with the flow but the mama bear in me decides I can’t leave my baby girl at this class all by herself. So, I make Josh and Dillon go and get coffee (and wine at Whole paycheck), while I wait out at the dance class. I just wanted to make sure all was good (I know I am crazy but I DON’T CARE!). What if Ruth didn’t like it?(if you know my daughter at all and are readying this now, you know I really am crazy!) But alas, the mom in me had to stay and just hover a bit. I am sure next week I will go and get a cup of coffee around the corner. Some times I am surprised at what comes out of me as a mom. It brings up so many things in me that I wish I could put into words, but for now all I can say is I want so much to find that balance where I can love my child, protect them, and also let them have the space they need. I am rambling now.
Today I worked in the garden with a good friend, Judie. Something about being outside and working hard felt soooo good. At one point I was ripping away at a vine and I told her, ‘Gosh it feels good to tear this all out and hack away with the saw and clippers”. I think I needed to let some aggression out. Not sure why but I have been feeling something boiling under the surface lately. Like I am just waiting to have that “big cry” that just won’t’ come yet or gonna melt a the worst possible moment. I know everything is “fine”, but it is a feeling I just can’t shake. Maybe it is lack of sleep or not enough time for the things I always want to do, or maybe it is being frustrated with not doing the things I say I want to do. Ay-yi-yi!!!! I am not making sense. Oh well!!! This is me writing late at night (8:45pm not so late but to me feels late). Josh is gone tonight out with a friend and I am thinking to maybe go read and fall asleep in bed. Exciting stuff! Will write more and sooner, than later ;)
